I know not many people follow my entries here, and this is ultimately a pointless outlet, but I just really needed a place to explain what's been going on with myself lately.
First off, I am so thankful that Spring semester is over. I am so incredibly happy to be back in Columbus and away from the high stress atmosphere of MICA.
I barely made it through Spring semester. I'm not in any trouble grade-wise (I checked today, and I have all B's and one A+)- but I am a girl who is not used to B's, and I really had to fight for those grades. At MICA, I was pushed so hard and challenged each and everyday non-stop, no breaks. It was exhausting to say the least. Growing up and all through K-12, I was one of the "smart kids", "enriched", and "grades ahead". I grew accustomed to my place at the top of the class, and felt relatively comfortable in all of my classes even when I was being "pushed". I arrived at MICA pretty average in skill, if not below average- and I was expecting this. I know that my family and friends will roll their eyes at me saying that, and tell me that I'm being too self critical and that I have this amazing talent blah blah blah. But as an art student, I am surrounded by fellow artists everyday and REALLY get to see talent and success- able to decipher the quality of my own work up against everyone else's. I realize that comparison is the all-purpose killer, but its really hard to avoid when you are living with some of the most talented young artists in the country. So anyway, I was beaten down over and over until I was practically mental pulp. Lets not even discuss finals week (worst week of my life). And I am STILL tired.
and then....
There was a :cough: little bit of tension between one of my roommates at MICA. I felt like I was in this awkward place trying to bend around her and juggling new friends and jealousy and unpleasant living habits yadda, yadda, yadda.... So everyone goes through it, and has a "roommate story"- lord knows I have 2 sets of them now- but that piled atop my already out-of-control life was equal to utter disaster. I won't take this any further.
and then...
*Get ready to roll your eyes* I was away from Matt for the second time. This semester was, not surprisingly, easier than last- but not really easy at all. I'm not close to my family, had a hard time meeting people, and Matt being my best friend was some days my ONLY friend. Not only is Matt a wonderful friend, but he is my biggest supporter. Each and everyday, good days, bad days, crying-on-the-floor-days, pulling-out-my-hair days, he was unconditionally there to support me and get me through it. He celebrated every accomplishment and every good day with me, talked me through trials, and listened to every single thought on my mind. If anyone witnessed how I really lost myself sometimes, it was Matt. How he still manages to utter the words "I love you, Ali" blows my freaking mind. I couldn't deal with me, that's for sure! So anyway, being away from my best friend and biggest source of support sucked. What am I saying? 8 of 12 months of the year we are a long-distance relationship- you KNOW it sucks. I don't think I have to explain lol.
Which brings me to my next point....
Matt and I do not get a lot of support from my family. Aside from the fact that he has multiple piercings, tattoos, and lives an alternative lifestyle, my family is in the biggest tizzy over the fact that he's not in school and only works a part time job. You see, they have this formula that they think is THE way and the ONLY way (high-school, college, career, marriage, ect. in that order)- and anyone who doesn't follow that formula is labeled as a basic failure. Matt has his own plans- and I support him and will continue to support him through all of the different paths he will take. Yeah, you think we're young. Yeah, you think we don't know what we're doing. You probably don't think we will last. I am here to say, in the most cliché manner, that I will stand by Matt and our relationship. Matt and I have plans for a future together, and we treat each day knowing that we are nurturing the foundation for that future. We take care of each other. We may not know what we are talking about, but we know what we want and how we want to get there. Doing this without my family's support often makes things difficult, and I'msofrusteratedthinkingaboutthisI'mramblingandbeingrediculoussoneedtostoptalking! Thankfully, Matt has a wonderful family that I am incredibly blessed to know, and I am so grateful for the support they give us. Done talking, done talking!
and then...
I was excited to return to Columbus, but not so much my parent's house. I clash with one or both of my parents at least once a day, and it is currently my biggest stressor. The second I got home, my dad started demanding that I figure numbers for loans and tuition, and seek out a second (and possibly 3rd) job. I'm tired. I'm still recovering from the hell I put myself through at MICA. I don't want to put myself through that yet. Somehow, he doesn't understand this, which is causing more tension than usual. My parent's and I share an ugly, rocky past that is continuing into my college years. Living with them includes dealing with nasty encounters, nagging, fighting, ridiculous expectations, and a curfew. To sum things up, I feel like I am property. Property that's still in high school. My biggest regret is not making enough money over the winter to move out.
and then...
On top of all of this- I'm thrilled to be home! I'm back in Columbus where I'm with the people I love and the places I love. In the end I'm being thrown back between two extremes of happiness and pure, agonizing stress. I feel like a rag doll. I'm so worn out, I hardly have a grasp on how I'm feeling most of the time.
Phew. Is this the most unorganized, rant-filled post ever? Quite possibly. Sorry.
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